Our daughter Phoebe died in a car accident 2 years ago, she was almost 2 years old. 

Phoebe brought so much happiness into our lives. She was her older sister Sophie’s shadow and best mate. Kathy and I used to watch our children play and think how blessed we were. Phoebe gave out the best hugs and kisses imaginable; it would make your heart skip a beat. She would sit on my lap and just hang out with me. As a father I felt simply proud to be her dad. That was us then: untouchable.

The pain and sadness that followed the accident was unbearable.  Our lives had changed. The sky was no longer blue, it always felt overcast, there was a constant background noise in our heads, we weren’t normal people anymore. Above all, there was just this saturating sadness which made nothing seem worthwhile, the only thing that got us out of bed in the morning was to look after Sophie. We had to function for her sake.

As a father, I felt worthless. I had failed in the one job that counted – to protect my children. Unfortunately you can’t stop being a father or husband, work had to be done and tasks tended to. After 6 or so months I started to worry about little daily things again, this wasn’t right, I wasn’t thinking about Phoebe. Now guilt set in.

People used to say time will help. I didn’t want it to, I wanted to be sad for ever, if I wasn’t then it was like abandoning and betraying my daughter. I used to remember every detail of her actions and words in every situation, now 2 years later it’s harder and harder. A new sadness now exists, its called self-pity, that’s when I find myself crying because I’m sad. Its very confusing, maybe its normal as a father to start thinking about daily life things again, but there is still that horrible sense of leaving something precious behind. I feel guilty that I am considering the mundane again.

Kathy became pregnant again 6 months later, there was no excitement or joy at the prospect of another baby. Our mood during the pregnancy was very depressed. Phoebe did not deserve this. How could we think of replacing her? Well, Max hasn’t replaced his sister. He is another person whom we can love and share the joys of his life as well. It’s so sad that he will never know the precious child that went before him.

We had been building up to Phoebe’s 4th birthday which was last month. On the day, I put my arm around Sophie as she went off to school in grade1 “ I hope you’re not too sad today and get through the day alright”

 Sophie replied “ Come on dad! Why would I be sad, its Phoebe’s birthday today!” Maybe its time to start celebrating her life.

As for the future, we now do believe that we do have a chance of feeling happiness again. The strength and love we find in our children has carried us this far. We do laugh at breakfast again, and do make plans for the future. The sun does seem to have some of its shine back, although it will never shine as bright without our beautiful daughter Phoebe here.

John 2004